| Author | Message | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1929 Registered: 11-2004 |
~revision~ You stitch me into the hem of your coat- the one as grey as a Tuesday sky. I lie there small and quiet. I go with you everywhere. I hear you greet the grocer’s wife, charming even through old wool. I smell the coffee and copper as I rock by your knee so steady sometimes I forget and reach for you above me. But I am deep in this fold, darker than the underside of buried bones. I only move when you do, carried like a trinket or a bur- not quite forgotten or beloved. I listen for larks and songs, a break in the howling wind. Closet doors always make noise, I’ve learned, something like a sigh. Windows, on the other hand, rarely sound the same. But I am never as quiet as you'd hoped I would be. Even swathed and out of sight my whisper finds your ear. When it’s still I wonder- are you resting or is it finally spring? ~original~ You stitch me into the hem of your coat- the one as grey as a Tuesday sky. I lie there small and quiet. I go with you everywhere. I hear you greet the grocer’s wife, charming even through old wool. I smell the coffee and copper as I rock by your knee so steady sometimes I forget and reach for you above me. But I am deep in this fold, darker than the underneath of buried bones. I only move when you do, carried like a trinket or a bur- not quite forgotten or beloved. I listen for larks and songs, a break in the howling wind Closet doors always make a noise, I’ve learned, something like sigh. Windows, on the other hand, rarely sound the same. But I am never nearly as quiet as you'd hoped that I would be. Even swathed and out of sight my whisper finds your ear. When it’s still I wonder- are you resting or is it finally spring? (Message edited by sparklingseas on March 03, 2006) | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 587 Registered: 01-2005 |
Dale, A wonderful poem! You had me from the very first line --just love your "You stitch me into the hem of your coat" and the rest of the poem keeps my attention right to the close. Fine work! My best, Teresa | ||
| Christopher T George
Senior Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 4298 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Dale Bravo. I echo Teresa's praise of this fine work. It captured me throughout. Excellent stuff. I see no nits. One small part had me reading it twice, and it is the passage as I rock by your knee so steady sometimes I forget and reach for you above me. -- the "and reach for you above me" took a bit of thinking about to see what you were imagining, and it is the only place that held me up. Not a big deal but you might want to think of a smoother or clearer way of saying that. Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ Co-Editor, Loch Raven Review http://www.lochravenreview.net/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Jeffrey S. Lange
New member Username: runatyr Post Number: 34 Registered: 10-2005 |
Imagery is great here, I dig this. I thought "underneath" might work better as "underside"? I really liked, "carried like a trinket or a bur- / not quite forgotten or beloved." Title is good, too.  ~Jeff "I had a lover's quarrel with the world." ~Robert Frost | ||
| Andrew Dufresne
Member Username: beachdreamer Post Number: 87 Registered: 01-2006 |
Wonderful work once again. Hope you don't get tired of hearing that... But, er, should that be "something like a sigh"? If not, maybe some kind of separation to indicate otherwise... ad | ||
| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 3954 Registered: 07-2003 |
I stopped at the same place Andrew did, otherwise echoes of everyone else from this corner. | ||
| SplinterGroup
Advanced Member Username: splinter Post Number: 1078 Registered: 11-2003 |
Nice piece "D" and very like your best stuff. Gentle and very well paced. I like that feeling of fullness I get from this piece ---endorphin-like. | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6787 Registered: 11-1998 |
A nice little flight of fantasy, Dale, with a good message in the end. I often tell friends to put me in their pockets, so I was glued to the read wondering how you might interpret this. Just some small suggestions for this part to smooth it a little: "Closet doors always make [a] noise, I’ve learned, something like (a) sigh. Windows, on the other hand, rarely sound the same. But I am never [nearly] as quiet as you'd hoped [that] I would be." P.S. Deeeeee-lightful title! | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6968 Registered: 07-2001 |
Dale, some great suggestions, taken this is for the short list. Though here I hear you greet the grocer’s wife, charming even through old wool. I was a bit confused if you in the coat charming, or you hear him as charming through the folds of your prison. Smiles. Gary A River Transformed The Dawg House Winter 2006 MindFire | ||
| Lazarus
Advanced Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 1345 Registered: 10-2005 |
My take on this is that it is about how we feel separated and connected to those who we can't be with. When it is a great loss it seems overwhelming, but a spring does come, and we put down our burdens, maybe even without realizing. Dale very nice- your unique voice sings true once again. The Age of Nations is past. The task before us now, if we would not perish, is to build the earth. - Teilhard de Chardin | ||
| Mudcat Miller
Member Username: mudcat Post Number: 80 Registered: 08-2005 |
Love pocketed, haunting and beautiful. Brilliant nuance amid the copper pots. Perfect. "Bones" line is so powerful, but I agree with Jeffrey that "underside" might be better. | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 4111 Registered: 07-2002 |
Dale--oh, so well done! Everyone else has done the heavy lifting, so I can just sit back and admire! One spelling nit--I think it's burr. And this is my favorite bit: carried like a trinket or a bur- not quite forgotten or beloved. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1935 Registered: 11-2004 |
Teresa~ I'm so glad you liked this. Thank you! Chris~ Hmmm... I see what you mean. I may play with that a bit. Thank you for the kind words. Jeff~ Thank you. I've used your suggestion of "underside" in the revision. I appreciate your kind words and helpful advice. Andy~ smile... no, I'm not quite tired of hearing that yet. In fact, I am thinking of inviting you to join Gary in the running my fan club. He could probably use a hand with the mail and the details of my tour schedule. Let me know what you think. Seriously~ thank you. I, uh, well... nevermind. And the missing "a" was a typo. Thanks for the catch. Zeph~ Thank you! I've fixed the missing a. Alan~ I am glad this worked for you. Hooray for endorphins!!  M~ As usual you've take my rock and given it some facets and a nice polishing. Thank you!! You'll see your touch in the revision. Gary~ He's charming... LOL! Thank you for the good words. Laz~ Yes, fine interp. And my voice unique? You made me smile, as I usually feel nothing if not ordinary. Thanks! Cat~ I see you again! Good! Thanks for dropping in. I appreciate your comments. Lisa~ Thanks so much. I checked bur (before I posted... and again a minute ago) and it is bur... burr is like a Scottish burr. Bur is ~noun: seed vessel having hooks or prickles. It does look weird though...awfully short! LOL! I appreciate your comments, thanks everyone. I almost deleted this one. Glad I didn't. The revision is posted above. take care~dale | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1607 Registered: 11-2003 |
really like this one, start to finish Dale, and one I wish I had written. Clever and appealing yes the bur threw me as well, but I knew your attention to detail had it in for a reason. peace laurie | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 2035 Registered: 11-2004 |
Laurie~ Thank you. What a compliment! I appreciate your kind words so much. take care ~dale |
